Act 2 Begins
Minnie, you're a fool. Of course I shall marry Horace Vandergelder.
M: Oh, Mrs. Molloy! I didn't ask you. I wouldn't dream of asking you such a personal question.
Well, it's what you meant, isn't it? And there's your answer. I shall certainly marry Horace Vandergelder if he should ask me.
M: I know it's none of my business -
Speak up, Minnie. I can't hear you.
M: - but do you - do you - ?
Minnie, you're a fool. Say it: Do I love him? Of course, I don't love him. But I have two good reasons for marrying him just the same. Minnie, put something on that hat. It's not ugly enough.
M: Not ugly enough!
I couldn't sell it. Put a - put a sponge on it.
M: Why, Mrs. Molloy, you're in such a mood today.
In the first place I shall marry Mr. Vandergelder to get away from the millinery business. I've hated it from the first day I had anything to do with it. Minnie, I hate hats.
M: Why, what's the matter with the millinery business?
I can no longer stand being suspected of being a wicked woman, while I have nothing to show for it. I just can't stand it.
M: Why, no one would dream of suspecting you.
Minnie, you're a fool. All millineresses are suspected of being wicked women. Why, half the time all those women come into the shop merely to look at me.
M: Oh!
They enjoy the suspicion. But they aren't certain. If they were certain I was a wicked woman, they wouldn't put foot in this place again. Do I go to restaurants? No, it would be bad for business. Do I go to balls, or theatres, or operas? No, it would be b
M: But Mr. Vandergelder's not -
Speak up, Minnie, I can't hear you.
M: - I don't think he's attractive.
But what I think he is - and it's very important - I think he'd make a good fighter.
M: Mrs. Molloy!
Take my word for it, Minnie: the best of married life is the fights. The rest is merely so-so.
M: I won't listen.
Now Peter Molloy - God rest him! - was a fine arguing man. I pity the woman whose husband slams the door and walks out of the house at the beginning of an argument. Peter Molloy would stand up and fight for hours on end. He'd even throw things, Minnie, an
M: I think they're just awful, the things you're saying today.
Well, I'm enjoying them myself, too.
(sings) So remember while you can
What became of Nelly Ann,
Who trusted in the promise of a drinking man.
M: Mrs. Molloy, those two men out in the street -
What?
M: Those men. It looks as if they meant to come in here.
Well now, it's time some men came into this place. I give you the shorter one, Minnie.
M: Aren't you terrible!
Wait till I get my hands on that taller one! Mark my words, Minnie, We'll get an adventure out of this yet. Adventure! Why does everybody have adventures except me, Minnie?
M: Mrs. Molloy!
Because I have no spirit, I have no gumption. Minnie, they're coming in here. Let's go into the workroom and make them wait for us for a minute.
M: Oh, but Mrs. Molloy - my work - !
Hurry up, Minnie. Be quick now.
C: ..."We've been looking everywhere for -
Oh, I'm sorry. Have I kept you waiting? Good afternoon, gentlemen.
B: Here, Barnaby Tucker.
I'm very happy to meet you. Perhaps I can help you. Won't you sit down?
C: Thank you, we will. You see, Mrs. Molloy, we're looking for hats.
Is that so?
C: We've looked everywhere. Do you know what we heard? "Go to Mrs. Molloy," they said. So we came here. Only place we could go -
Well now, that's very complimentary.
C: - and we were right. Everybody was right.
You wish to choose some hats for a friend?
C: You see, Mrs. Molloy, money's no object with us. None at all.
Why, Mr. Hackl -
C: - I beg your pardon, what an interesting street! Something happening every minute. Passersby, and -
You're from out of town, Mr. Hackl?
C: Not all of it.
Now this friend of yours - couldn't she come in with you some day and choose her hats herself?
C: No. Oh, no. It's a surprise for her.
Indeed? That may be a little difficult, Mr. Hackl. It's not entirely customary - You're friend's very interested in the street, Mr. Hackl.
C: Oh yes. Yes. He has a reason to be.
You said you were from out of town?
C: Yes, we're from Yonkers.
Yonkers?
C: Yonkers - Yes, Yonkers. You should know Yonkers, Mrs. Molloy. Hudson River; Palisades; drives; some say it's the most beautiful town in the world; that's what they say.
Is that so?
C: Mrs. Molloy, if you ever had a Sunday free, I'd - we'd like to show you Yonkers. Y'know, it's very historic, too.
That's very kind of you. Well, perhaps - Now about those hats.
C: Is there - Have you a - Maybe Mr. Molloy would like to see Yonkers too?
Oh, I'm a widow, Mr. Hackl.
C: You are! Oh, that's too bad. Mr. Molloy would have enjoyed Yonkers.
Very likely. Now this friend of yours, Mr. Hackl, is she light or dark?
C: Don't think about that for a minute. Any hat you'd like would be perfectly all right with her.
Really! Do you like this one?
C: Mrs. Molloy, that's the most beautiful hat I ever saw.
Your friend is acting very strangely, Mr. Hackl.
C: Barnaby, stop acting strangely. When the street's quiet and empty, come back and talk to us. What was I saying? Oh yes: Mrs. Molloy, you should know Yonkers.
The fact is, I have a friend in Yonkers. Perhaps you know him. It's always so foolish to ask in cases like that, isn't it? It's a Mr. Vandergelder.
C: What was it you said?
Then you do know him?
C: Horace Vandergelder?
Yes, that's right.
C: ... And where does this door lead to?
Why, Mr. Hackl, that's my workroom.
C: ... Barnaby, make a note of the table. Precious piece of furniture, with a low-hanging cloth, I see.
Perhaps your friend might like some of this new Italian straw. Mr. Vandergelder's a very substantial man and very well liked, they tall me.
C: A lovely man, Mrs. Molloy.
Oh yes - charming, charming!
C: Has only one fault, as far as I know: he's hard as nails; but apart from that, as you say, a charming nature, ma'am.
And a large circle of friends - ?
C: He comes and calls on you here form time to time, I suppose.
This summer we'll be wearing ribbons down our backs. Yes, as a matter of fact I am expecting a call from him this afternoon.
B: I think - Cornelius! I think - !!
Now to show you some more hats -
C: Begging your pardon, Mrs. Molloy.
Gentlemen! Mr. Hackl! Come right out of there this minute!
C: Help us just this once, Mrs. Molloy! We'll explain later!
Mr. Hackl!
B: We're as innocent as can be, Mrs. Molloy.
Come out of there. But really! Gentlemen! I can't have this! What are you doing?
D: Irene, my darling child, how are you? Heaven be good to us, how well you look!
But what a surprise! And Mr. Vandergelder in New York - what a pleasure!
D: ... Now you'll tell us if it's inconvenient, won't you?
Inconvenient, Dolly! The idea! Why, it's sweet of you to come.
D: Mr. Vandergelder thought he saw two customers coming in - two men.
Men! Men, Mr. Vandergelder? Why, what will you be saying next?
D: Then we'll sit down for a minute or two -
Before you sit down, there's something I want to show you. I want to show Mr. Vandergelder my workroom, too.
D: I've seen the workroom a hundred times. I'll stay right here and try on some of these hats.
No, Dolly, you come too. I have something for you. Come along, everybody. Mr. Vandergelder, I want your advice. You don't know how helpless a woman in business is. Oh, I feel I need advice every minute from a fine business head like yours. Now I shut the
D: ... Somebody could be coming in any minute.
Can I help you, Dolly?
V: In the first place, the aim of business is to make profit.
Is that so?
V: Mrs. Molloy, I'd like for you to come up to Yonkers.
That would be very nice. Oh thank you. As a matter of fact, I know someone from Yonkers, someone else.
V: Oh? Who's that?
Someone quite well-to-do, I believe, though a little free and easy in his behavior. Mr. Vandergelder, do you know Mr. Cornelius Hackl in Yonkers?
V: Cornelius Hackl? I know him like I know my own boot. He's my head clerk.
Is that so?
V: He's been in my store for ten years.
Well, I never!
D: Er - blah - err! Er - oh, just one of those chance meetings, I suppose.
Yes, oh yes! One of those chance meetings.
V: What? Chance meetings? Cornelius Hackl has no right to chance meetings. Where was it?
Really, Mr. Vandergelder, it's very unlike you to question me in such a way. I think Mr. Hackl is better known that you think he is.
V: Nonsense.
He's in New York often, and he's very well liked.
D: Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage and pulled her through the streets?
Who?
D: Cornelius Hackl! Who dressed up as a waiter at the Fifth Avenue Hotel the other night and took an oyster and dropped it right down Mrs. - No, it's too wicked to tell you!
Oh yes, Dolly, tell it! Go on!
D: ... Now Irene, can see you were as taken with him as everybody else is.
Why, I only met him once, very hastily.
D: Yes, but I can see that you were taken with him. Now don't you be thinking of marrying him!
Dolly! What are you saying? Oh!
V: Mrs. Molloy, how often has he called on you?
Mr. Vandergelder, I'm telling the truth. I've only met him once in my life. Dolly Levi's been exaggerating so. I don't know where to look!
M: I must get together that order for Mrs. Parkington.
Yes, we must get that off before closing.
M: I want to send it off by the errand girl. Oh, I almost forgot the coat.
Oh, oh! I'll do that, Minnie!
M: Oh, Mrs. Molloy! Help! There's a man!
Minnie, you imagined it. You're tired, dear. You go back in the workroom and lie down. Minnie, you're a fool! Hold your tongue!
D: Well now -
Yes, there is a man in there. I'll explain it all to you another time. Thank you very much for coming to see me. Good afternoon, Dolly. Good afternoon, Mr. Vandergelder.
V: You're protecting a man in there!
There's a very simple explanation, but for the present, good afternoon.
D: Goodbye! Goodbye!
So that was one of your practical jokes, Mr. Hackl!
C: No, no, Mrs. Molloy!
Come out from that, Barnaby Tucker, you trouble-maker! There's nothing to be afraid of, Minnie. I know all about these gentlemen. You think because you're rich you can make up for all the harm you do, is that it?
B: No, no!
Minnie, this is the famous Cornelius Hackl, who goes round New York tying people into knots; and that's Barnaby Tucker, another trouble-maker.
B: How'd you do?
Minnie, choose yourself any hat and coat in the store. We're going out to dinner.
C: Pardon?
If this Mr. Hackl is so rich and gay and charming, he's going to be rich and gay and charming to us. He dines three times a week at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant, does he? Well, he's taking us there now.
M: Mrs. Molloy, are you sure it's safe?
Minnie, hold your tongue. We're in a position to put these men into jail if they so much as squeak.
B: Jail!
Jail, Mr. Hackl. Officer Cogarty does everything I tell him to do. Minnie, you and I have been respectable for years; now we're in disgrace, we might as well make the most of it. Come into the workroom with me; I know some ways we can perk up our appearan
C: Uh - Mrs. Molloy, I hear there's an awfully good restaurant at the railway station.
Railway station? Railway station? Certainly not! No, sir! You're going to give us a good dinner in the heart of the fashionable world. Go on in, Minnie! Don't you boys forget that you've made us lose our reputations, and now the fashionable world's the on
C: Jail or no jail, we're going to take those ladies out to dinner. So grit your teeth.
Gentlemen, the cabs are at the corner, so forward march!
C: ... Oh, Mrs. Molloy - is it far to the restaurant? Couldn't we walk?
Minnie, take off your things. We're not going.
All: Mrs. Molloy!
Mr. Hackl, I don't go anywhere I'm not wanted. Good night. I'm not very happy to have met you.
All: Mrs. Molloy!
I suppose you think we're not fashionable enough for you?
C: No! No!
Well, I won't be a burden to you. Good night, Mr. Tucker.
C: We want you to come with us more than anything in the world, Mrs. Molloy.
No, you don't! Look at you! Look at the pair of them, Minnie! Scowling, both of them!
C: Please, Mrs. Molloy!
Then smile. Go on, smile! No, that's not enough. Minnie, you come with me and we'll get our own supper.
B: My face can'y smile any stronger than that.
Then do something! Show some interest. Do something lively: sing!
C: I can't sing, really I can't.
We're wasting our time, Minnie. They don't want us.
C: Barnaby, what can you sing? Mrs. Molloy, all we know are sad songs.
That doesn't matter. If you want us to come out with you, you've got to sing something.
("Tenting Tonight")
We'll come! You boys go ahead. Minnie, get the front door key - I'll lock the workroom.
M: Why Mrs. Molloy, you're crying!
Oh, Minnie, the world is full of wonderful things. Watch me, dear, and tell me if my petticoat's showing.
Malachi: ... You know that somebody is thinking about you the whole time.
See! Here's the place I mean! Isn't it fine? Minnie, take off your things! We'll be here for hours.
C: Mrs. Molloy, are you sure you'll like it here? I think I feel a draught.
Indeed, I do like it. We're going to have a fine dinner right in this room; it's private, and it's elegant. Now we're all going to forget our troubles and call each other by our first names. Cornelius! Call the waiter.
C: ...Wai - No! It won't come.
I don't believe you. Barnaby, you call him.
M: I never thought I'd be in such a place in my whole life. Mrs. Molloy, is this what they call a "cafe"?
Yes, this is a caf�. Sit down, Minnie. Cornelius, Mrs. Levi gave us to understand that every waiter in New York knew you.
C: ...Just if you can find the time - we know how busy you are.
Cornelius, there's no need to be so familiar with the waiter.
C: Oh, yes, there is.
Minnie, what do you want to eat?
M: Just anything, Irene.
No, speak up, Minnie. What do you want?
C: ...a loaf of bread and some cheese.
I never heard of such nonsense. Cornelius, we've come here for a good dinner and a good time. Minnie, have you ever eaten pheasant?
M: Pheasant? No-o-o-o!
Rudolph, have you any pheasant?
R: Yes, ma'am. Just in from New Jersey today.
Even the pheasants are leaving New Jersey. Now, Rudolph, write this down: mock turtle soup; pheasant; mashed chestnuts; green salad; and some nice red wine.
C: ... hot-house peaches; champagne -
Champagne!
C: - and a German band. Have you got a German band?
No, Cornelius, I won't let you be extravagant. Champagne, but no band. Now, Rudolph, be quick about this. We're hungry.
R: Yes, ma'am.
Minnie, come upstairs. I have an idea about your hair. I think it'd be nice in two wee horns -
C: ...we can move right over to the Old Men's Home.
Waiter! What's that? What's that you have?
A: It's some champagne, ma'am.
Cornelius, it's our champagne.
A: No, no. It's for His Honour the Mayor of New York and he's very impatient.
Shame on him! The Mayor of New York has more important things to be impatient about. Cornelius, open it.
A: Ma'am, he'll kill me.
Well, have a glass first and die happy.
A: He'll kill me.
I go to a public restaurant for the first time in ten years and all the waiters burst into tears. "He'll kill me!" There, take that and stop crying, love. Barnaby, make a toast!
C: The ladies!
That's very sweet and very refined. Minnie, for that I'm going to give Barnaby a kiss.
M: Oh!
Hold your tongue, Minnie. I'm old enough to be his mother, and - A dear wee mother I would have been too. Barnaby, this is for you from all the ladies in the world.
B: Now I can go back to Yonkers, Cornelius. Pudding. Pudding. Pudding!
Look at Barnaby. He's not strong enough for a kiss. His head can't stand it. Minnie, I'm enjoying myself. To think that this goes on in hundreds of places every night, while I sit at home darning my stockings. Cornelius, dance with me.
C: Irene, the Hackls don't dance. We're Presbyterian.
Minnie, you dance with me.
M: Lovely music.
Why, Minnie, you dance beautifully.
M: We girls dance in the work room when you're not looking, Irene.
You thought I'd be cross and so you didn't ask me to dance. Cornelius! Jenny Lind and all those other ladies - do you see them all the time?
C: Irene, I've put them right out my head. I'm interested in -
Rudolph, what are you doing?
R: A table's been reserved here. Special orders.
Stop right where you are. That party can eat inside. This verandah's ours.
R: I'm very sorry. This verandah is open to anybody who wants it. Ah, there comes the man who brought the order.
Take your table away from here. We got here first, Cornelius; throw him out.
Mal: Ma'am, my employer reserved this room at four o'clock this afternoon. Youse ones can go and eat in the restaurant. My employer said it was very important that he have a table alone.
No, sir. We got here first and we're going to stay here - alone, too.
R: Ladies and gentlemen! I have a suggestion.
Shut up, you! You're an impertinent, idiotic kill-joy.
Mal: That's an insult!
All the facts about you are insults. Cornelius, do something. Knock it over! The table.
R: I'm sorry, but this room can't be reserved for anyone. If you want to eat alone, you must go downstairs. I'm sorry, but that's the rule.
We're having a nice dinner alone and we're going to stay here. Cornelius, knock it over.
R: Ladies and gentlemen! I tell you what we'll do. We'll put the screen up between the tables.
I won't eat behind a screen. I won't. Minnie, make a noise. We're not animals in a menagerie. Cornelius, no screen. Minnie, there's a fight. I feel ten years younger. No screen! No screen!
C: Listen, everybody. I think the screen's a good idea. Have you got any more screens, Rudolph? We could do with three or four.
Quiet down, Cornelius, and stop changing your mind. Hurry up, Rudolph, we're ready for the soup.
V: Everything's wrong. You can't even manage a thing like that. Help me off with my coat. Don't kill me. Don't kill me.
Speak up! I can't hear you.
B: Can't make a sound.
Oh, all right. Bring your heads together, we'll whisper.
C: You certainly can. We all want to apologize to you about that screen - that little misunderstanding.
Yes, I'm very sorry.
C: Irene, I feel a lot better about everything. Irene, I feel so well that I'm going to tell the truth.
I'd forgotten that, Minnie. Men get so drunk so differently from women. All right, what is the truth?
C: If I tell the truth, will you let me - will you let me put my arm around your waist?
Hold your tongue, Minnie. All right, you can put your arm around my waist just to show it can be done in a gentlemanly way. But I might as well warn you: A corset is a corset.
C: You're a wonderful person, Mrs. Molloy.
Thank you. All right, now that's enough. What is the truth?
C: Irene, I'm not as rich as Mrs. Levi said I was.
Not rich!
C: I almost never came to New York. And I'm not like she said I was - bad. And I think you ought to know that at this very minute Mr. Vandergelder's sitting on the other side of that screen.
Well, now! He's not going to spoil any party of mine. So that's why we've been whispering. Let's forget all about Mr. Vandergelder and have some more wine. Come on, you know the tune.
C: ...You take this money and pay the bill. Oh, don't worry, it's not mine.
No, no, I'll tell you what we'll do. You boys put on our coats and veils. And if he comes stamping over here, he'll think that you're girls.
C: What! Those things!
Yes. Come on.
V: He's in Yonkers.
Cornelius, is that Mr. Vandergelder's purse?
C: I didn't know it myself. I thought it was money just wandering around loose that didn't belong to anybody.
Goodness! That's what politicians think!
M: Irene, doesn't Barnaby make a lovely girl? He just ought to stay that way.
There's that gypsy again. Why should we have our evening spoiled? Cornelius, I can teach you to dance in a few minutes. Oh, he won't recognize you.
V: You're discharged!
You're discharged!
D: Mr. Vandergelder will be here in a minute. He's downstairs trying to pay for a cab without any money.
Oh, I'll help him.
D: Yes, will you, dear? You had to pay the restaurant bills. You must have hundreds of dollars there it seems.
This is his own purse he lost. I can't give it back to him without seeming -
D: I'll give it back to him - there, you help him with this now.
I'll take care of that, Mr. Vandergelder.
M: Don't push.
Miss Van Huysen.
VH: Yes, dear?
Do I smell coffee?
VH: Yes, dear.
Can I have some, good and black?