JONATHAN: They wouldn't be interested in our experience in Indiana
Well, Jonathan, you've led a very interesting life. I'm sure- but we really shouldn't have allowed you to talk so late
JONATHAN: I loved that face. I still carry the picture with me
This looks more the way you used to look, but still I wouldn't know you
JONATHAN: I think we'll go back to that face, Doctor.
Well, I know you both want to get to- where you're going
TEDDY: Well, you see that picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't even started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock.
No, Teddy- not to Panama
TEDDY: No- you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. Let me see- You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later- On my hunting trip to Africa- yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
It's your brother, Jonathan, dear.
TEDDY: So that's it- a nature faker!
And perhaps you had better go to bed, Teddy- Jonathan and his friend have to go back to their hotel
JONATHAN: Aunt Martha, this is my house?
But, Jonathan, you can't stay here. We need our rooms
JONATHAN: You need them?
Yes, for our lodgers
JONATHAN: Then my old room is still free
But, Jonathan, there's no place for Dr. Einstein
JONATHAN: He'll share the room with me
No, Jonathan, I'm afraid you can't stay here
MARTHA: Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight-
Well, just overnight, Jonathan
MARTHA: It only needs airing out
We keep it ready to show our lodgers. I think you and Dr. Einstein will find it comfortable
JONATHAN: When Dr. Einstein and I get organized- when we resume practice- Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. We expect to be quite busy
Jonathan, we will not let you turn this house into a hospital
EINSTEIN: Oh, you fixed it?
Well, you're sleeping here tonight
MARTHA: Well-
For tonight
JONATHAN: And if you don't-
Jonathan! Your room is ready.
MARTHA: Abby, what are we going to do?
Well, we're not going to let them stay more than one night in this house for one thing. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.
MARTHA: What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?
Oh, Mr. Hoskins. It can't be very comfortable for him in there. And he's been so patient, the poor dear. Well, I think Teddy had better get Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away
MARTHA: Abby- I will not invite Jonathan to the funeral services
Oh, no. We'll wait until they've gone to bed and then come down and hold the services.
TEDDY: General Goethals was very pleased. He says the Canal is just the right size
Teddy! Teddy, there's been another Yellow Fever victim
TEDDY: But it's his department
No, we mustn't tell him, Teddy. It would just spoil his visit
TEDDY: I'm sorry, Aunt Abby. It's out of my hands- he'll have to be told. Army regulations, you know.
No, Teddy, we must keep it a secret
TEDDY: A state secret?
Yes, a state secret.
TEDDY: You have the word of the President of the United States. Cross my heart and hope to die. How are we going to keep it a secret?
Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when I turn out the lights- when it's all dark- you come up and take the poor man down to the Canal. Now go along Teddy.
TEDDY: It seems to be spreading. We've never had Yellow Fever there before
Martha, when Jonathan and Dr. Einstein come back, let's see if we can get them to go to bed right away
MARTHA: Yes. Then by the time they're asleep. we'll be dressed for the funeral..... Abby, I've never seen Mr. Hoskins.
Oh, my goodness, that's right- you were out. Well, you just come right over and see him now. He's really very nice looking- considering he's a Methodist
JONATHAN: We're bringing- the luggage through here
Jonathan, your room's waiting for you. You can go right up
JONATHAN: I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours- but you two run along to bed
Now, you must be very tired, both of you - and we don't go to bed this early
JONATHAN: Another flight, Doctor. Run along, Aunt Martha... All right, Aunt Abby
I'll be right up
ELAINE: No! No! Teddy!
What's the matter?
MARTHA: What's happening down there?
What's the matter? Jonathan, what are you doing?
JONATHAN: We caught a burglar- a sneak thief. Go back to your room.
We'll call the police
MORTIMER: To the Nora Bayes Theatre and I should have known better. My God!- I'm still there.
This is your brother Jonathan- and this is Dr. Einstein
MORTIMER: Who did you say this was?
It's your brother Jonathan. He's had his face changed. Dr. Einstein performed the operation
MORTIMER: By God, it is Jonathan- Yes, I remember. I remember you as the most detestable, vicious, venomous form of animal life I ever knew.
Now don't you two boys start quarreling again this minute you've seen each other
MORTIMER: Not in this house
Just for tonight
MORTIMER: I don't want him anywhere near me
But we did invite them for tonight, and it wouldn't be very nice to go back on our word
MORTIMER: All right, tonight. But the first thing in the morning- out! Where are they sleeping?
We put them in Jonathan's old room
EINSTEIN: It's all right, Chonny. While we pack I tell you all about it
Mortimer, you don't have to sleep down here. I can go in with Martha and you can take my room.
MARTHA: No! It was Jonathan
He mistook her for a sneak-thief
MARTHA: We'll make something for both of you
Martha, we can leave our hats downstairs here, now
ELAINE: Whaat?
Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won't take a minute.
MORTIMER: Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Come in here!
We'll be in in a minute, dear
MORTIMER: Come in here now!
Yes, dear, what is it? Where's Elaine?
MORTIMER: I thought you promised me not to let anyone in this house while I was gone!
Well, Jonathan just walked in-
MORTIMER: I don't mean Jonathan-
And Dr. Einstein was with him-
MORTIMER: I don't mean Dr. Einstein. Who's that in the window-seat?
We told you- Mr. Hoskins
MORTIMER: It is not Mr. Hoskins
Who can that be?
MORTIMER: Are you telling me you've never seen this man before?
I certainly am. Why?, this is a fine how do you do! It's getting so anybody thinks he can walk into this house.
MORTIMER: Now Aunt Abby, don't you try to get out of this. That's another one of your gentlemen!
Mortimer, how can you say such a thing! That man's an imposter! And if he came here to be buried in our cellar he's mistaken.
MORTIMER: Oh, Aunt Abby, you admitted to me that you put Mr. Hoskins in the window-seat
Yes, I did
MORTIMER: Well, this man couldn't have just got the idea from Mr. Hoskins. By the way - Where is Mr. Hoskins?
He must have gone to Panama
MORTIMER: Oh, you buried him?
No, not yet. He's just down there waiting for the services, poor dear. We haven't had a minute what with Jonathan in the house. Oh dear. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral, but I will not read services over a total stranger
MORTIMER: A stranger! Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them
Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib. Martha!
JONATHAN: I've lived a strange life, Mortimer. But it's taught me one thing- to be afraid of nothing!
Martha, just look and see what's in the window-seat
MARTHA: Spenalzo?
I knew he was a foreigner
O'HARA: Hello, Miss Abby
Oh, Officer O'Hara. Is there something we can do for you?
MORTIMER: No, no, come in
Yes, come in
O'HARA: Pleased to meet you
And this is another nephew, Jonathan
O'HARA: I've met you here before, haven't I?
I'm afraid not. Jonathan hasn't been home in years
MORTIMER: We're going to have some coffee in a minute. Won't you join us?
Oh, I forgot the coffee.
MORTIMER: Oh, you're on your way, eh? Good! You haven't got much time, you know.
Well, everything's just about ready. Oh, you leaving now, Jonathan? Good-bye. Good-bye, Dr. Einstein. Oh, doesn't that case belong to you?
MARTHA: The kitchen?
Jonathan's leaving
MARTHA: Oh, well, that's nice. Come along, Officer O'Hara
Sure you don't mind eating in the kitchen, Mr. O'Hara?
O'HARA: And where else would you eat?
Good-bye Jonathan, nice to have seen you again.
JONATHAN: Take the bags back up to our room, Doctor.
Have they gone? Oh- we thought we heard somebody leave
MARTHA: But you won't have time
No, if you're still here when Mortimer gets back he won't like it
MARTHA: Oh no!
He can't stay in our cellar. No, Jonathan, you've got to take him with you.
JONATHAN: There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him
A friend of Mortimer's?
JONATHAN: You know about what's downstairs
Of course we do, and he's no friend of Mortimer's. He's one of our gentlemen
MARTHA: Mr. Hoskins isn't a stranger
Besides, there's no room for Mr. Spenalzo. The cellar's crowded already
JONATHAN: Crowded? With that ?
There are twelve graves down there now
JONATHAN: Twelve graves!
That leaves very little room and we're going to need it
JONATHAN: You mean you and Aunt Martha have murdered- ?
Murdered? Certainly not. It's one of our charities
MARTHA: Why, what we've been doing is a mercy
So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo out of there