Queen Aggravain Lines

......Can I marry her now, huh? Can I, Mama?

No, sweetheart. There's still one more question.

Your time is up

Too bad, my dear, too bad. You do show a certain aptitude, but as for the true brilliance of royalty... well, I'm afraid not. Remember; blood will tell, and yours didn't tell us quite enough. However, to show that there are no hard feelings, here is a nic

[Act One, Scene Two]

Come along darling, don't dawdle. Dauntless, pick up your feet for heaven's sake and don't squint!

Mama...

Now what?

Mama, when am I going to get my princess?

Dauntless, I don't want to discuss that now. It's time for your cocoa.

But Mama, sometimes I get the funniest feeling that you don't want me to get married

Don't want you to get married? Don't want you to get married? Dauntless- don't you trust me?

Of course, Mama, but-

Well, then how can you say such a thing? I want you to get married! How many times have I said to you, "I want you to get married?" Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said, "Sextimus, I want that boy to get married. I want to make myself ab

Hello, Harry

Don't interrupt! Well?

Sir Harry wishes to speak to you, madame.

Well?

Madame, I have the honor to request a Perilous Labor....suit both Your Majesty and Prince Dauntless

No!

Mama!

No, no, no! We've been through all the eligible girls in all the neighboring kingdoms. There are none left. We simply have to wait until their younger sisters grow up, and that'll take years.

But madame, I plan to head North, over the mountains

Over the mountains?

across the Badlands

Across the Badlands?

And into the marsh where the beautiful Swamp Lily grows

Into the marsh land? Are you out of your mind?

Let him go, mama. Let him go!

You won't find anything there but frogs and tadpoles and things.

Mama!

Do you know what the weather there is like?

Mama, please!

Do you know how damp and foggy and..

Mama!!

Quiet! ... and humid and oppressive..

Mama... let Sir Harry try! Please, for me, Mama> Please?

All right, go ahead. It's your sinus.

Hooray!

Come along Dauntless, you've missed your cocoa.

Mama, look! She's all wet!

You swam the moat?

We had to get a rope and pull her out

You swam the moat?

[Ending of "Shy"]

You swam the moat?

Do you ever say anything else except "You swam the-

Do you mean you ask me to believe that you're a true princess of the royal blood, and I am to actually understand that you have the nerve and the gall to apply for my son's hand in marriage

Mama, may I say something?

NO. Do you imagine for one moment that I would even consider you to be suitable for any son of mine? You are laboring under a very unfortunate misapprehension, my dear; my son isn't going to marry any moat-swimmer, no while I still have breath in my body.

You ought to see her swim, Mama, she's wonderful!

Yes, isn't she

Can I marry her, Mama? Can I?

Marry her? Of course not. When you marry-if you marry- you'll marry a real princess. You'll-

I have the honor to announce.... the Princess Winnifred

You're a little late. She's been here and gone.

Gone?

Yes, she's swimming home. That, Sir Harry, is no Princess

Ah, but she is, your majesty.

What?

On my honor.....Tu ne cede malis sed contra audientior ito

What does that mean

It means "if at first your don't succeed-

Never mind

At least a test! Mama, for me. Please?

All right, we'll test her. The Wizard and I will put on our thinking caps and make up a nice fair test just as we always do and I'll prove to you that this girl cannot possibly be a princess.

This is her leg!

We'll test her for...

That's not my leg!

How crude! We'll test her for sensitivity! She'll have her test and she'll fail like all the others. Fair and square.

[Act One, Scene 4]

As if I didn't have enough trouble trying to protect my only son from every catch-penny princess that comes along.. now I'm surrounded by spies and traitors! Whom can I trust?

Me.

No one! And now I have another one of those princesses to cope with. I'm in no mood to sit for hours in a stuffy chamber and wrack my brain over a test for that girl when I'm not at all feeling well. But that's the way Dauntless wants it, and that's the w

Well, her papers seem to be in order.

I know, and the worst of it is that that foolish boy actually seems to like the girl, so we must think of a test that sounds fair, and looks fair, and seems fair, but isn't fair. When you had the idea of testing her for sensitivity I could've applauded ri

Table manners?

No, that's not good enough....sensitivity....

[Act One, Scene Six]

After all, you're a wizard. You should be able to think of something that will help that whats-her-name to sleep. Don't forget to whip up a sleeping potion and some of that good, heavy incense. And that hypnotic mirror, too. Wait! The most important thing

Yes, your majesty

Well, thank heaven somebody is up to date around here. Now, was that hard? I will see you at the ball tonight. I'd advise you practice.

THE QUEEN!

... and this has to be the biggest, loudest ball that we've ever had and be sure to hire extra musicians for tonight's dancing and tell the Jester I want him to perform. No that I'll be able to enjoy any of it with my back, and that strange, nagging, pain

[Act One, Scene Nine]

Come along now! Keep it Venetian. Isn't this fun? Move along now! That's right! Faster! Now Slower! That's beautiful. Oh, Jester! Are you feeling a little weary, dear?

Shhhhhh....

Sheets!

Right

Pillows!

Right

Blankets!

Right

Mattresses

Bravo

Jester! Jester! Somebody stop him. Stop him, I say. There he goes right down the corridor. Bring him here to me. This is a fine kettle of fish. Now, you wretch, I want the truth.... what is all this noise about anyway? The moment I turn my back, something

The Queen! The Queen! The Queen!

Stop. I knew I couldn't trust you, you wretch! What is going on here? What are you up to?

(Mime: I'm up to here)

WHAT?

(Mime: I'm doing the Spanish Panic)

There's something going on around here. What's under the mattress?

(Mime: Nothing)

It's a dead body

(Mime: Sadly, yes)

Pull that away. Well! What were you doing? Explain yourself.

It's just a joke.....Lancelot

Lancelot! Wait! Lady Larken! Take those things up to whats-her-name's chamber- mattresses too.

Your majesty..

Quiet! What are you doing in that ridiculous get-up?

Please, I

Silence! And why weren't you at the ball?

Your Majesty..

Shut up. And why are you with this man? Answer me!

I..

Well, speak up.

Your majesty, I beg of you....

You were running away- is that it? You were running away!

Larkin!

Why you lowborn, ungrateful little sneak! Is this the thanks I get for treating you as my own daughter? Just look at you! one of my girls running off with a musician!

Why you low...

Just a moment!

What are you doing with that woman?

Just a moment

Don't you tell me what to do, you .... libertine!

May I remind you that you are still one of my ladies-in-waiting? Get above stairs and prepare whats-her-name for bed!

Please, your majesty

Do as I say! And may I remind you, Sir Harry, that you are still one of my knights. Step forward.

Ohh...

And you! Relax! Sir Harry, I order this Minstrel banished from my kingdom! I want him out of here by daybreak. Sextimus! Go to bed. I don't want you groping around in the dark all night. And the rest of you, listen closely. There is a little girl upstairs

Oh, no. She said she was going to study for her test.

All right, let her study, but when she goes to bed, I want her to get a good rest so I want it quiet around here. Is that clear? I want quiet and I'm going to get quiet if I have to scream the place down.

[Act Two, Scene Seven]

Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. That should do it. And one small pea... that I had to bring all the way up from the pantry. All the way up the most killing stairs in the kingdom. There. All right, you can come in now. Did you bring everything? The

Yes, madame.

And the rest of the things? (Yes, Madame) And the girl.... where is the girl? Doesn't she know it's far past bedtime? You think she'd be dropping from exhaustion. Oh, it's you. Ready for bed? You must be sure to get a good night's rest so you'll be fresh

Here it is, your majesty

Yes. Silken Swishing Sibilance/Wraps us in a gentle trance/Deep in morpheus's arms we lie/off we go to beddy-bye

You know, I think I'm getting a sty right here

Ugh. Bring the poppy and mandragora incense.
Drowsy incense, sweet aroma/Wraps us in a gentle coma/Murmuring voices seem to say/ Mr. Sandman's on his way
That ought to get us to sleep, shouldn't it? The sleeping draught. (Here, Madame)
That's right. Drink

Am I almost there?

Help her up. Well, at least one person in this castle is going to get a good night's sleep

[Act Two, Scene Eight]

Here, darling. Let mother fix it.

Leave me alone, Mama. I can dress myself

Well! Far be it from me to interfere, precious.

I can do it!

Why are you wearing that so early in the morning?

Well, Today's the test, mama, and I want to look my best for....

The test! Why, Dauntless, the test is all over, sweetheart.

Huh?

The test is over, darling boy.

But Mama, when was it? What was it?

It was last night. We put her to bed on twenty soft donwy mattresses with a pea under the bottom one to test her sensitivity. And of course, the pea would've kept a real princess awake

And she slept?

Well, darling, I'm sure I don't know. But she was practically falling asleep before she got into bed...and yawning like a vulgar scullery maid. I mean she looked ghastly, darling, and old enough to be your... well, let's see.

Don't talk! Here comes the Queen

..and someday, Dauntless, we'll find a true princess for you. Don't worry. Good morning everyone!

Good morning your majesty

All here to see the princess on her way? Since she's such a favorite of ours, I have decided that she should have an extra special consolation prize. Sir Studley?

Here, your majesty. A very thoughtful gift.

Charming, charming. Dauntless! And where is our little slugabed? She should be getting an early start. Ah, here she is now. She isn't even dressed yet. She must've slept like a baby.

37, 428

32,478 what?

Sheep! What do you stuff your mattresses with, jousting equipment?

What do you mean?

I mean that bed ought to be moved down to the torture chamber!

You didn't sleep?

She's going to get cold sleeping on that bare table, I better take her up to her room

Dauntless, wait..

What should I wait for, Mama?

To give this matter proper consideration

She passed the test, and now I have to take her up to our room.

I said wait! Now you listen to your mother. Throughout this heartbreaking business of trying to find you a true princess, I have never nagged, never interfered, and never expected one solitary word of sympathy

Ssh, mama. She's asleep.

But I will not stand by and let you throw yourself away on this little nobody.

Mama, Quiet!

I mean look at her; she may have passed the test, but I must say I've never trusted anyone who had those shifty eyes or that mean little mouth or...