Key Stressor in close relationships
Perception that others value their relationships with us less than we want them to
We feel hurt when our ___ ___ ___ for others is lower than we want it to be.
Perceived relational value
Jealousy
the unhappy combination of hurt, anger, and fear that occurs when people face the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival
Suspicious jealousy
occurs when one's partner hasn't misbehaved, and one's suspicions do not fit the facts at hand
Reactive jealousy
occurs in response to an actual threat to a valued relationship
Do men and women differ in their jealous tendencies?
No
Individual differences in susceptibility to jealousy
-dependence on a relationship
-feelings of inadequacy in a relationship
-combo of these two: people feel they need their partners but aren't good enough to keep them
-attachment styles
-personality traits
-high in neuroticism are prone to this
____ of the men said the sex would be more troubling, but only ___ of the women did.
60%
17%
From an evolutionary perspective men should be especially threatened by ___ infidelity because they face the problem of ___ ___.
sexual
paternity uncertainty
For women, the greater risk may be that a mate will _____. Thus, women should be especially threatened by ___ infidelity.
withdraw his protective resources and transfer them another mate
emotional
When confronting cheating partners, men are more likely to ask ___, whereas women more often want to know ___ with the rival.
if sex had occurred
if their partners have fallen in love
Women perceive a partner's ____ ____ to a rival to be more worrisome than men do
emotional attachment
Response to jealousy
-Those who are comfortable with ___ tend to express their concerns, trying to _____.
closeness
repair the relationship
Response to jealousy
-Those who are dismissing or fearful tend to ____ and to ____.
avoid the issue
pretend that they don't care
When a relationship is really at risk, we may need to work to ___ the extent which the success of the relationship influences our personal sense of ___.
reduce
self-worth
How do we react when we behave as if our self-worth depends entirely on a particular partnership?
irrationally
Benevolent lies
common in close relationships
We tell fewer lies to our ___ than to more ___.
intimates
casual acquaintances
___ of us have lied to our lovers in the past week
97%
When we tell lies about serious matters, we tell them more often to our ___ than to ___.
intimate partners
anyone else
Deceiver's distrust
coming to perceive the recipients of their lies as less honest and trustworthy than they really are
Specific changes in a person's demeanor that indicate that he or she is lying may be quite ___.
idiosyncratic
Truth bias
-assume their partners are usually telling the truth
-result: sometimes certain that their partners are telling the truth when their partners are actually lying
As relationships become more intimate and trust increases, does the partner's accuracy in detecting deception in each other improve?
No it declines
Betrayal
disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such misbehavior
Any action that violates the norms of benevolence, trust, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness that support intimate relationships may be considered somewhat ___
treasonous
Betrayals demonstrate and involve
perceived relational devaluation
Our most hurtful betrayals come from those on whom _____ and for whom we ____
depend
care the most
Betrayers often consider their behavior to be ___ and ___
inconsequential
innocuous
Forgiveness
occurs when we give up our perceived right to retaliate against, or hold in our debt, someone who has wronged us
____ and ___ people are more forgiving than ____ or ____ people are.
secure/agreeable
insecure/less agreeable
___ impedes forgiveness, but ___ promotes it.
neuroticism
self-control
Forgiveness occurs more readily when:
-the offender is genuinely contrite and apologetic
-victim is able to empathize with the offender, being able to imagine why the partner behaved as he or she did
-the victim stops ruminating about the offense
People who are able to forgive their intimate partners enjoy more ___, more ___, less ___, and more ___ with life than do those from whom forgiveness is less forthcoming
well-being, self-esteem, hostility, satisfaction
It's advantageous when a partner misbehaves ___ and deserves to be forgiven, but it can actually be counterproductive when the offender is ___.
rarely
unrepentant
In intimate relationships, forgiveness is more __ and __ to those who wield it than is vengeance
desirable
beneficial
Interpersonal Conflict
occurs whenever one person's motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another.
Two reasons conflict is inescapable in close relationships
-Any two people will occasionally differ in their moods and preferences
-Certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain
-opposing motivations or dialectics that can never be comp
Dialectical tension between:
-Personal autonomy and close connection to others
-ex: intimacy or freedom, independence or belonging
-Openness versus closedness
-ex: one hand, honesty, candor, and authenticity, and other hand, privacy, discretion, and restraint
-Stability versus change
Dating couples report how many conflicts per week?
2.3
How many unpleasant disagreements do spouses experience each month?
one or two
The amount of conflict people encounter is linked to:
-Personality
-Attachment-style
-Similarity
-Sleep
-Stage of Life
-Alcohol
People high in ___ have more conflicts, people high in ____ have fewer
neuoriticism
agreeableness
___ people encounter fewer conflicts, and manage them better when they do occur, than ___ people do.
secure
insecure
The less ___ partners are to each other, the more conflict they experience
similar
People are grumpy and irritable when they've ___ poorly, and more conflict occurs
slept
____ couples have fewer conflicts than ___ couples do
older
younger
___ exacerbates conflict; adding ___ to a frustrating disagreement is a bit like adding fuel to a fire.
intoxication
alcohol
The high levels of ____ that characterize an intimate relationship provide abundant opportunities for dispute.
interdependency
Four different types of events cause most conflicts:
-criticism
-illegitimate demands
-rebuffs
-cumulative annoyances
Criticism
behavior that seems unjustly critical, being perceived as demeaning or derogatory
Illegitimate demands
requests that are excessive and that seem unjust
Rebuffs
occur when one's appeals for help or support are rejected
Cumulative Annoyances
relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition
Two partners' explanations for events are routinely somewhat different, and conflict can result:
-Misunderstanding
-Attributional conflict
Misunderstanding
-may occur if partners fail to appreciate that each of them has his or her own point of view
Attributional conflict
-can occur, with partners arguing over whose explanation is right and whose is wrong
Direct actions explicitly challenge one's partner:
-accusations
-hostile commands and threats
-surly and sarcastic putdowns
Indirect actions are more veiled and implicit:
-condescension
-whining
-evasion
All of these behaviors -both direct and indirect- are obnoxious to some degree, and ___ partners engage in these behaviors less often than ___, ____ partners do
satisfied
discontented, disgruntled
When things settle down and the partners are again nice to each other, negotiation may also be:
-Direct
-offering concessions
-engaging in active listening
-providing approval and affection
-Indirect
-using friendly, non-sarcastic humor
Successful negotiations will be more likely if you:
-remain optimistic
-value your partner's outcomes as well as your own
-focus on what you can do differently to improve things
-consider what a neutral third party would think
-take a break if anyone begins to get annoyed
Four different response to conflict and dissatisfaction
-voice
-loyalty
-exit
-neglect
Voice
actively, constructively working to improve the situation
Loyalty
passively waiting and hoping for things to get better
Exit
active but destructive responses such as leaving the partner
Indeed, even heated arguments can be ___.
constructive
Arguments support or erode a couple's satisfaction depending on the _____.
manner in which they are conducted
Volatile couples
have frequent and passionate arguments, but they temper their fights with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other
Validators
fight more politely and calmly, behaving more like collaborators than antagonists
Avoiders
rarely argue; they duck confrontation and often just try to fix problems on their own
All three styles can work because in each case the ___ elements of the interaction substantially outnumber the frustrating costs
positive
Hostiles
fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and their marriages are more fragile than those of the other three groups
The more ___ _____ and ____ partners have, the less satisfied with their relationships they tend to be.
unexpressed nuisances
irritants
So, the prevailing view among conflict researchers is that ___ is an essential tool with which to promote ___
conflict
intimacy
It is the deft management of ___ -and not its absence- that allows relationships to grow and prosper
conflict
A very good way to steer clear of bad-tempered interaction is to use the ____ technique.
Speaker-listener
Speaker-listener technique
-it provides a structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement
Rules for the Speaker-listener Technique
-the speaker has the floor
-speaker: be brief and specific. speak for yourself
-speaker: stop and let the listener paraphrase
-listener: paraphrase what you hear
-share the floor
-no problem solving
There are ___ as many divorces as marriages in the U.S. each year, so the chance that a recent marriage will ultimately end in ___ or ___ stills hovers around ___.
-half
-separation or divorce
-50%
Several influences may underlie the big increase in the American divorce rate:
-demanding expectations
-women work outside the home
-western culture is more individualistic
-gender roles are changing
-divorce is less shameful and easier to obtain
-cohabitation is more prevalent
-more children of divorce
-more us have friends who are
People may expect more out of marriage than they used to. Marriage is supposed to be ___, not work, and ___, not placid.
play
passionate
Both spouses now have access to money and alternative partners, and the economic freedom to ___ generally makes ____
divorce
divorce
Disconnected from our communities, we rely on our spouses for more ___ than ever before
social support
Women are becoming more ___ and ___ and men are doing more ___.
assertive
self-reliant
housework
We tend to feel that a ____ ____ is a more desirable response to a bad marriage than our grandparents did.
no-fault divorce
Casual cohabitation leads to less ___ for marriage and ___ people's willingness to divorce
respect
increases
Are children who experience the divorce of their parents more likely or less likely to divorce themselves when they become adults?
more likely
Are we more likely or less likely to divorce ourselves, when others in our social network divorce?
More likely
Levinger's Barrier Model
-attraction
-alternatives
-barriers
Attraction
the desire to remain in a partnership is enhanced by its rewards but diminished by its costs
Alternatives
tempting alternatives increase the appeal of leaving one's current partner
Barriers
various social pressures, religious constraints, and financial costs may make it hard to leave
For almost __ years, ___ and his colleagues tracked ___ couples who married in ____.
30, Huston, 168, 1981
How many couples from Huston's study are still happily married?
Fewer than half
Reasons why not all of the couples from Huston's study are happily married:
-enduring dynamics
-emergent distress
-disillusionment
Enduring dynamics
-spouses may bring their marriage problems that surfaced during courtship. These frustrations are usually recognized by the partners before they marry, so that marriages that are headed for divorce are weaker than others from the very beginning
Emergent distress
-the problems that destroy a couple begin after they marry, so that, when they begin, there aren't any obvious differences between marriages that will succeed and those that will fail; the difficulties that ruin some marriages usually develop later.
Disillusionment
couples typically begin their marriages with rosy, romanticized views of their relationships that are unrealistically positive. Romance fades and disappointment gradually sets in as people realize that their spouses and their partnership are less wonderfu
Which model predicted how happy marriages would be?
enduring dynamics
Which model is the best predictor of which couples would actually divorce?
disillusionment