Importance of Relationships
homo sapiens evolved to live in groups, have a social nature
compared to all other animals humans have the longest developmental period of dependency on others
genetically wired to need each other
healthy social relationships are essential
Three Mechanisms of Social Interactions
Selection
Evocation
Manipulation
Selection
personality characteristics of others influence whether we select them as dates, friends, marriage partners
own personality characteristics play role in kinds of situations we select to enter and stay in
Social Selections
decision points that direct us to choose one path and avoid another
mate selection is a prime example of this
Personality Characteristics in Desired Marriage Partner Study
large variety of participants
mutual love/affection was the most favored characteristic in the survey
almost as important are personality characteristics - dependable character, emotional stability, pleasing disposition
Assortative Mating
people are married to people who are similar to themselves
what are these positive correlations caused by?
Botwins Findings
correlated preferneces for personality characteristics desired in potential mate and our own personality characteristics
correlations were consistently positive
also found that people were getting the mates they wanted based on preferences
partners person
What are positive correlations in Botwins studies due to?
direct social preferences based on personality characteristics of those doing the selecting
Characteristic for a great partner
people are happy if they are married to partners
high on agreeableness, emotional stability, and openness
Difference in Scores between partners personality and one's ideal predictions
did not predict happiness
Violation of Desire Theory
Buss
break ups should be more common when one's desires are violated than when they are fulfilled
people seek mates who are dependable and emotionally stable and those who fail to choose such mates are at at risk for divorce
Selective Break Ups
people who fail to get what they want - including a mate who is similar - tend to selectively break-up more often than those who get what they want
Shyness
tendency to feel tense worried and anxious during social interactions or even when anticipating social interactions
Shyness in adolescence/early adulthood
shy people tend to avoid social situations, resulting in a form of isolation
Findings about shy women
less likely to go to a gynecologist
less likely to bring up contraception with potential sexual partner
Shyness and Selection of Risky Situations
affects whether a person is willing to select a risky situation in the form of gambles
has an impact on selective entry into or avoidance of situations
Other Personality Traits and Selection Situations
high empathy - more likely to enter situations such as volunteering for community activities
high psychoticism - choose volatile and spontaneous situations more than formal or stable ones
high on machiavellianism - prefer face to face situations offer mor
Evocation
personality characteristics of others evoke responses in us
own personality characteristics evoke responses in others
Aggression Evocation
aggressive people evoke hostility from others
Hostile Attributional Bias
tendency to infer hostile intent on the part of others in the face of uncertain behavior from others
bc they expects others to be hostile aggressive people treat others aggressively and those people act aggressive back
hostility in others evoked by aggres
Evocation of Anger in Partners
two ways
1. person can act a certain way thats gets an emotional response from partner
(dominant person being condescending)
2. can elicit emotions from another that upset the original elicitor
(an aggressive man might elicit silent treatment from his mat
Study by Buss
looked at the role of personality on evocation of anger and upset in married couples
assessed personality characteristics of husbands and wives
strongest predictors of upset are low agreeableness and emotional stability
Deep and Caring Close Relationship
have a life cycle - from infatuation and romance to companionship and sharing
can be threatened at anytime by negativity
Ratio of Satisfying Close Relationships
ratio of positive to negative interactions is at least five to one
Average Relationship Satisfaction Equation
one negative interaction/five positive interactions
Indicator for Relationship Trouble
How they argue
the harsh startup 0-60 in no time starts with the worse and escalates from there begin the discussion with insults
Why Gottman can tell in 3 minutes with 91% accuracy
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
1. Criticism (vs complaint) - "You are a forgetful idiot" vs "the
garbage did not go out last night." Making it personal.
2. Contempt (=sarcasm=disrespect) - criticism taken to the next
level, signals that they are disgusted with you. Can be an
effort to
Other Characteristics that Indicate bad relationship
�Flooding - negativity becomes overwhelming, cannot handle the
emotions, get carried away by the anger, flee or fight reactions
�Failure to repair of hurt feelings - Lack of efforts to take a break,
calm down, come back in one hour, etc.
�Bad memories - a
What are satisfying relationships based on?
friendship
Ways to have satisfying relationship
�Respect each other
�Enjoy each other
�Want goodness for each other
�Enjoy their company, enjoy spending time together
�Their happiness becomes important to you
�Know each other well
�Check in
�Stay connected through day
�Know preferences and desires
Friendship in a relationship benefit
protects from feeling adversarial (criticism,
contempt, defensive, stonewalling). Boosts the positivity setpoint,
prevents negative from spiraling out of control
Gottmans principles of positive relationships
7 of them
1. develop detailed knowledge of your partner and allow them to learn about you
2. nurture affection, remain fond of the other, keep the passion alive
3. turn toward rather than away from each other especially when stressed
4. share power even i
Principle 1
know their world, their preferences, their daily events, know their worries desires etc
keep up to date on life
have intimacy - deep knowledge of the other
How to Communicate in Relationship
if you're irritated say so
if you're angry make sure they know why
if you want something ask for it etc
Principle 2
attraction remind each other why you are attracted
show your live - touch each other often
remember the magic
remind self why you fell in love
enjoy the other
helps maintain your respect for this person and therefore will prevent contempt
Principle 3
stay connected, do fun stuff together
avoid detachment
never ignore the other dont neglect the relationship
repeated small emotional connections count a lot
this is the emotional bank account of a relationship
Principle 4
strive for equity in benefits
gottman focused a lot on gender roles - ask for her opinion
let the other influence you
ask them for help once in a while - this shows you value their opinion, validating their worth
Principle 5
when arguing avoid the harsh startup
when arguing realize that relationships are not zero-sum games
relationship paradox
Relationship paradox
often we are most impatient with those we love e.g. we will yell at someone we love sooner than we would at a houseguest
Principle 6
break gridlock on the unsolvable problems - dont let them become permanent topics of argument - accept the other persons view
accept the differences
forgive the others mistakes
Principle 7
shared meanings - create a shared history together
create a relationship culture - have rituals, customs, and values
become a "we" without sacrificing personal identity keep your standards
know the other but know yourself. dont expect that a relationship
Manipulation
...
Evocation of Likability
linked with higher levels of adjustment mental health and academic performance
people high in agreeableness and honesty
those low evoke pain
Expectancy Confirmation
a phenomenom whereby a persons beliefs about the personality characteristics of others cause them to evoke in others actions that are consistent with initial beliefs
if told someone is hostile will act more aggressive towards that person
Manipulation
all the way in which people intentionally try to change the behavior of others
Two Perspectives of Manipulation
- are some individuals more manipulative than others?
do stable personality characteristics predict tactics used?
Taxonomy of Manipulation
developed through a two step procedure
nominations of acts of influence then factor analysis of self-reports and oberver reports of nominated acts
11 tactics identified
11 Tactics of Manipulation
charm - try to be loving
coercion - yell at him till he does it
silent treatment
reason - explain why i want him to do it
regression - whine until she does it
self-abasement - act submissive so he will do it
responsibility invocation - get her to make a c
Sex Differences in Tactics of Manipulation
with exception of regression (crying, whining) men and women are similar
women use regression more with crying whining pouting sulking to get their way but difference was small
Personality Predictors of Tactics of Manipulation w/ surgency
emotional reactivity
high surgency: coercion, responsibility invocation
low surgency: self abasement hardball
High Agreeable manipulation tactics
pleasure induction, reason
Low Agreeable manipulation tactics
coercion, silent treatment
High Conscientiousness manipulation tactic
reason
Emotionally Unstable manipulation tactics
use a variety of tactics to manipulate others, but most common is regression
High intellect-openness manipulation tactics
reason, pleasure induction, responsibility invocation
Low intellect-openness manipulation tactics
social comparison
Machiavellianism
manipulative strategy of social interaction, personality style that uses other people as tools for personal gain
High Machiavellianism Characteristics
select situations that are loosely structured, untethered by rules that restrict the deployment of exploitative strategy
high machs tend to evoke specific reactions from others such as anger and retaliation for having been exploited
influence or manipulat
High Narcissism Characteristics
are exhibitionistic, grandiose, self-centered, interpersonally exploitative
Applying Naracassism to 3 Social Interaction Paths
1. selection - associate w/ people who admire them, who will reflect the positive view they have of themselves
2. evocation - exhibitionism splits people - some view them as brilliant others as selfish and boorish
3. manipulation - highly exploitative of