Interpersonal Communication Chapter 10

Intimacy

emotional close less that we experience in a relationship, whether romantic or not

Commitment

our desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens. assume future together, believe relationship will survive difficult times

emotional commitment

responsibility for feelings

social commitment

spending time together

legal and financial commitments

responsibility, law

interdependence

what happens to one person affects everyone in the relationship
-romantic and familial relationships have higher degrees of interdependence
-higher the degree of interdependence (familial and romantic)= more motivating to engage in relational maintenance behaviors

investment

(required by intimate relationships)
The commitment of one's energies, and resources to the relationship (time, money, attention)

What is most important in intimate relationships?

equity
-Romantic partners are happiest w/ same degree of investments

dialectical tensions

conflicts between two important but opposing needs or desires
1. connection vs. autonomy (be own person vs. be close to others) (happens to children when growing up)
2.openness vs. closeness (desire for disclosure and honesty yet wanting to keep ideas to self)
3. predictability vs. novelty (desire for consistency and stability vs. the desire for new, fresh experiences)

Strategies for managing dialectical tensions (Albee and Morra)

1. Denial: respond to one side and ignore the other
2. Disorientation: ending the relationship
3. Alternation: alternate days/ times between the two sides
4. Segmentation: satisfy one side in some segments of life, other side in others
5. Balance: (compromise) find a middle ground between sides
6. Integration: satisfy both sides simultaneously
7. Recalibration: agree to see opposing needs as complementary (reframing) "loss of autonomy is a gain"
8. Reaffirmation: accepting tensions as normal

Benefits of Marriage

#1 predictor of happiness
reduces risky behaviors
drinks consumed less
depression goes down
health benefits are greater for men than women

exclusivity

Characteristic of Romantic Relationships
monogamy (1 commitment)
infidelity (cheating)
polygamy (2 or more spouses)

opposite and same sex marriages

similarities prevail
differ in legal recognition

permanence

40% of marriages are dissolved

legal marriage privileges

spousal privilege--> communication
visitation--> hospitalizations, etc.
stepchildren--> legal status with stepchildren
cohabitation on controlled properties--> military bases, etc.
medical and burial decisions
domestic violence protection--> request if one spouse is abusive

Mark Knapps 5 stage model of relationship development

initiating
experimenting
intensifying
integrating
bonding

initiating

- one Mark Knapps 5 stage model of relationship development
meeting and interacting for the first time

experimenting

- one Mark Knapps 5 stage model of relationship development
learning more about each other

intensifying

- one Mark Knapps 5 stage model of relationship development
from acquaintances to close friends

integrating

- one Mark Knapps 5 stage model of relationship development
relationships requires its own identity
may require sex
people see themselves as a couple

bonding

- one Mark Knapps 5 stage model of relationship development
publicly announcing mutual commitment

marital schemata

1. traditional: gender roles, engage in conflict
2. separate couples: similar to traditional, but autonomous rather than interdependent (ex: separate bedrooms)
3. independent: see themselves as being independent from social expectations for marriage. mixed roles. engage in conflict
4. mixed differing beliefs: most cases: women-traditional, men- separate

validating couples

one of Gottman's ways in which romantic couples handle conflict
discuss agreements openly and cooperatively. calm, use humor

violatile couples

one of Gottman's ways in which romantic couples handle conflict
not cooperative, but competitive! persuading other person to adopt view. negative emotions. intense period of making up and affection

conflict avoiding couples

one of Gottman's ways in which romantic couples handle conflict
disagreements are indirect. agree to disagree. main aim is to avoid fighting

hostile couples

one of Gottman's ways in which romantic couples handle conflict
frequent, intense, negative, aggressive communication with one another. most likely to break up

how same sex couples handle conflict

less negativity
use more humor
fewer displays of dominance
less likely to take conflict personally
stay more calm

communication privacy management

(in romantic relationships)
jointly own the information about their problems. decide who they will share the information with- form and manage marriage privacy boundaries
-open books vs. discreet

emotional communication

(in romantic relationships)
romantic relationships vary with this
happy partners share more positive emotion & less negative emotion than do unhappy partners (5 to 1)

instrumental communication

(in romantic relationships)
varying in handling the business of life
division of everyday tasks reflect behaviors of power

Knapp's 5 stage model of relationship dissolution

differentiating
circumscribing
stagnating
avoiding
terminating

differentiating

Knapp's 5 stage model of relationship dissolution
differences are annoying rather than complimentary

circumscribing

Knapp's 5 stage model of relationship dissolution
decreasing quality and quantity of communication

stagnating

Knapp's 5 stage model of relationship dissolution
going through the motions

avoiding

Knapp's 5 stage model of relationship dissolution
physical and emotional separations

terminating

Knapp's 5 stage model of relationship dissolution
formally ending the relationship

family

who ever you consider it to be!
genetic ties: blood, adoptions, etc.
legal obligations: house, feef, educating (marriage is most legally regulated family relationship)
role behaviors: act like family, live together, etc.

6 types of family

family of origin
family of procreating
nuclear family
blended family
single parent family
extended family

family of origin

the family in which one grows up

family of procreation

the family one starts as an adult

nuclear family

married woman and man with biological family
dominant in individual cultures

blended family

2 adult parents whom aren't both the biological parents of the offspring

single parent family

90% females raising their children

extended family

prevalent in collectivistic cultures
grandparents, cousins, etc.
research shows this type of relationship enhances the family experience

4 communication issues that families commonly deal with

roles, rituals, stories, secrets

roles

the function that members serve in the family (based on the social and emotional functions of an individuals behavior)
common family roles
blamer- mostly negative and deflects blame from himself and blames others
plactater- peacemaker who reduces conflict
computer- uses logic over emotion and diffuses situation
distractor- makes irrelevant comments s the rest of the family will forget about the conflict
which 2 make conflict worse? blamer and distractor

rituals

the repetitive activities that have special meaning for a family
reinforces family and provides sense of belong
can help integrate blended families

stories

gives families a sense of history across generations
told and retold--> collective knowledge
affirmations of family unity and identity
grand narrative about the family

secrets

intentionally hidden to give families privacy and reinforcing the family's identity

communication climate

the emotional tone of the relationship
use confirming messages
supportiveness
and feedback

recognition

the most basic act of confirmation
replaying a text

acknowledgement

a more positive form of confirmation- acknowledging another's feelings or thoughts
asking, listening

endorsement

the most positive form of confirmation
signaling that you agree with what another person has said

disconfirmation

behaviors that lack regard for another person
impervious response: ignoring someone all together
verbal abuse: words that hurt emotionally
generalized complaining: indict other's personality character "why can't you be more like your brother"
irrelevant response: respond about something unrelated, lack of care
impersonal response: cliche reply with no empathy

defensiveness

excessive concern with guarding one self against criticism

supportiveness

a person's feelings of assurance that other care about them and will protect them

pairs of defensiveness and supportiveness

evaluation (value or worth of behavior) vs. description (details of behavior w/o judgement)
control (manipulate to act in certain way) vs. problem orientation (collaboration and creative way)
strategy (with holding information to control listener) vs. spontaneity (express thoughts and desires openly and honestly)
neutrality (imply lack of concern for others) vs. empathy (concern for others)
certainty (no room for debate) vs. provisionalism (flexibility for dialogue)

feedback

non evaluative--> withholds assessment
probe--> asks to hear more
paraphrase--> repeat in listener's own words
offer support--> share perceptions
evaluative--> reply that offers an assessment of what the speaker has said or done
provide praise---> praise strengths
criticize constructively--> paint what can be done. make sure listener wants feedback

conflict

an expressed struggle between at least 2 interdependent a parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving goals