second

?I'm T

T?

T

Like a cup of?

Like the letter

Does it stand for anything?

No. What do you stand for...?

John

Right, John. Can't beat a classic

How do you mean?

You're a John...

Yes??

Never mind

You look just like your picture in the

Money before funny

Aren't you afraid I might be a cop?

Are you a cop, John?

No

Didn't think so.It's four hundred if I touch you.

You have beautiful hair.

It's fake. Five hundred if I perform on you

You have sort of, uh, a bedside manner/issue, or...

an even thousand for anything involving bodily fluids

I don't ussually...

Sure

Do this. In fact...

It's your first time?

You don't believe me?

I'll believe anything you want for the next hour.

is that really an option? You screwing me?

It's a surprisingly popular choice.

What if I just want to talk?

You're kidding

No, I'm not actually...

Dirty?

No, just... regular

I don't get it... are you gonna whack off while we talk? or...

no, there's nothing, um... I just want to talk

Is this some Julia Roberts "Pretty Woman" fetish?

No

So, you're not going to buy me things, sweep me off my feet?

No

Oh, then I guess... three hundred. Don't try anything

I won't

I'm serious... I can kill you in seven ways

No one's going to die. How do you know seven ways... what's one of them?

(T pulls out a knife)

Oh

I was in the Army. is this what you wanted to talk about?

Yes, no. So... I appreciate you coming... Christmas Eve... in the storm and all

It's my job

Did you take the train or... you were in the Army? I guess not many people ask you to...

Often. Want an apple?

No thank you

It'll make you smart

Said the serpent

Apple a day, keeps the doctor away

I'm not worried about the doctor

Oh just take the goddamn apple

I, uh, thank you. Why don't you like Christmas?

I'm allergic to tinsel

That's a joke, right?

Well, I thought so, but.... No I don't like Christmas

But it's a time of hope and forgiveness, isn't it?

it's all about money. did you know you can hire someone over the internet to pray for you?

I didn't know that

With the snow you can start over, be someone new.

I wish that were true

It is true. I mean, you believe in the Virgin

There are things I tried very hard to believe didn't happen, but they did

You're not trying hard enough

What do you believe?

I believe children are our future, and will lead the way

Really?

No, man, it's a song. where have you been for the last century?

Funny you should ask.

Don't you have a sense of humor?

It's hard to find things to laugh about

You need to ask Santa for some jokes

You still didn't say why you hate Christmas

I'm actually glad you called

Don't you have family to spend the holidays with?

Don't you?

No, I don't. Well, not really

why are you asking so many questions?

I think I should get to know you before I spill my guts

like mama said... but I make up memories all the time

And what does your mother think of your career?

She abandoned me at a veterinary clinic. that's why I'm such an animal

My God, is that true?

Do you want it to be true?

Is it?

No, i lie a lot. How old are you?

Older

Than what?

Than you would think

I don't know. I think alot

You, now, you're smarter than...

You would think?

Sorry

I'm a hooker, not an idiot

So, how old are you

You don't want to know

Would I go to jail?

You're hiring a prostitute. Either way

I see your point

Why are you hiring a prostitute to talk to?

Why am I hiring a prostitute to talk to?

You have an embarrassingly small penis?

I do have an embarrassingly small penis

I was kidding

No, it's OK, I do. But that's not why

That's not why?

I believe my immortal soul is in peril

and you don't want a blow job?

and I think you were there

I was where?

So, really... how old?

Seventeen

Seventeen?

I'm kidding. 22

It's just that the truth is important to me

Well, how old are you?

Older

Lie

I don't want to lie

I told you i'd believe anything you wanted

but you won't tell me anything I can believe?

I'm 26... clothes and hair makes me look younger

Yes

People will believe pretty much anything you tell them

Will they?

And I can charge more if they think I'm younger

Does that mean I get a rebate?