ME:It was you, Ken. It was your fork scraping the plate.
Ken:What was that?
ME:That wasn't me, Ken. It was Chris.
Ken:You're fading out again, Glenn.
ME:I still can't get over it I find the entire story hard to believe.
Ken:No. No cigarettes.
ME:Myra is gone?
Lenny:He finds the story hard to believe. Because we acted our asses off to keep the truth from you.
ME:The servants are gone?
Lenny:Right. (1)
ME:Charley shoots himself in the ear lobe?
Lenny:Right. (2)
ME:It doesn't make any sense.
Lenny:Right. (3)
ME:So you really weren't watching Hitler on PBS?
Cookie:That's right. You did.
ME:It sounded real, I believed it.
Lenny:No, we stopped everything to watch "The Rise and Fall of Adolf Hitler".... I don't believe you people.
ME:Cassie.
Ernie:What about you, Mrs. Cooper? (To ME.) What's her name?
ME:You have to forgive her. She's still very upset about losing her crystal.
Ernie:What do you mean? (To ME.) What does she mean?
ME:Unless you're into crystals, you wouldn't understand. Apparently, they have very special properties. You have to wash them in clear, spring water. They must be kept in direct sunlight. Cassie scrubs them every night with a soft, wet toothbrush. You never dry them in a towel. You pat them in a sort of leathery cloth. They really are very delicate.
Claire:They could be blessed by the Pope, I wouldn't put them in my mouth again.
ME:Thanks, Chris, but I don't think so. Best leave her alone now.
Chris:I don't know if this would help her any, but there's a big crystal chandelier in the dining room. Should I mention it to her?
ME:Hear hear.
Lenny:Bleeding arm and all, Cookie, that was one hell of a meal. My hat's off to you.
ME:Wait, wait. We're all in a precarious situation. Not only Charley, but a lot of people's futures depend on how we deal with this issue.
Lenny:All right, I'll go up and settle this now.
ME:Well, no. Cassie and I were the last ones to arrive. We just heard about it. We're hardly involved.
Claire:Meaning you?
ME:Oh, she's fine. She's just in there trying to figure some way to get back at me. She'll come up with something.Yeah, she's got two (one).
Ernie:Glenn, I'm a little worried about your wife. Do you think she's all right?
ME:All right, Cassie, cut it out.
Claire:Who is she getting back at, Glenn you or me?
ME:You know what I mean. Push your hair back up and sit on a chair.
Cassie:What do you mean, sweetheart.
ME:Okay, Cassie, I think we're going.
Cassie:Oh, my goodness, I see what you're thinking .That is really incredible. Because the exact same thing happened to Glenn and me last week at a cocktail party for the Democratic Fund Raising Committee. There was the nicest woman there—very attractive, very sweet, very redefined—and because sometimes I can feel so silly and so insecure, I thought she was coming on to Glenn. They got up to dance and they were as close as freshly-laid wallpaper.
ME:CHARLEY! CHARLEY! NOT MOLLY!
Ken:Molly? Who's Molly?
ME:THINK! THINK! NOT DRINK!
Ken:More time to drink? He shouldn't drink with Valium.
ME:I'm warning you, Cassie. You're going to end up in the same place where your crystal is.
Cassie:Can I take it, Ken? I'm very good at things like that.
ME:That's it! That's it! I've got to stay, but I'm putting you in a taxi.
Cassie:Don't threaten me, sweetheart, because I'll start naming names.
ME:Walk? Twenty-two miles? Cassie, wait for me. Will you wait!!
Cassie:Never mind! I'LL WALK.
ME:We got trouble. Oh, God, have we got trouble.
Lenny:Maybe it's Harry and Joan from Venezuela.
ME:The police. It's a police car.
Ken: What is it?
ME:Not to call. She hit me with it.
Lenny:Maybe it was Cassie. You were fighting with her, weren't you? Did she use the phone in my car?
ME:She's in good enough condition to smash my nose... *******, I got blood on my shirt.
Ernie:Why did you leave her out there in the car? She's in no condition to answer police questions.
ME:What same woman?
Ernie:Hello?... Yes?... Just a minute, please. (To ME.) Glenn, it's for you. It's the same woman who called before.
ME:Meryl Streep?
Claire:She wouldn't say. Maybe it was Myra, maybe it was Meryl Streep.
ME:Hello?
Cookie:Oh, oh. They're walking over here.
ME:Oh, hi. How are you?... No, it's not a cold, it's a telephone injury.
Cookie:They're on the way over.
ME:I tried talking to Cassie, but she's very upset.
Ken:Now listen. The thing we can't do is let them see Charley. We can't let him downstairs or them upstairs.
ME:Of course I think you should talk to her, but I can't get her out of the car.
Lenny:Yea! To thine own self be true. Wherein the hearts of better men—are you ****ing crazy? They're outside the door.
ME:All right, I'll call you back in fifteen minutes. Are you at the nine-one-four number?
Ken:They're going to ask about the gunshots. What do we tell them about the gunshots?
ME:Listen, I know you're a good friend. And I thank you for all your wonderful support.
Chris:If you let me go to the bathroom, I promise I'll come back.
ME:I can't talk anymore. I'll call you back later... I will... Goodbye.All right, what's going on?
Lenny:Leave him here. Let's run for our lives and leave that schmuck for the cops.
ME:Hey, I've had just about enough from you, Lenny.
Lenny:THERE WAS NO HITLER PROGRAM WE MADE THE ***ING THING UP TO FOOL THIS ******.
ME:The music! That's it!
Claire:I can't. I'm in charge of the music.
ME:The music was on. We were all dancing. We couldn't hear the gunshots. Claire, put on the music.
Chris:What is?
ME:I agree. Ken is absolutely right. One of you three guys has to be Charley.
Chris:I never saw a sinking ship empty so fast.
ME:Well, let's be honest. I never even heard the gunshots.
Lenny:When did you move to France?
ME:Come on. Let's get it over with, for crise sakes.
Lenny:Yeah. Let the women wrestle for it.
ME:We all have two fingers out, you have one finger.
Lenny:What do you mean, Lenny?
ME:Go on upstairs, Lenny. And don't come down unless we call you.
Cookie:And that man graduated from Johns Hopkins.
ME:Me? yes. I put some drops in tonight and the cap fell off. Most of the bottle went in.
Welch:You, sir? Something wrong with your eye?
ME:My name?
Welch:May I have your name, sir?
ME:You mean, my name?
Welch:Yes, sir.
ME:I'm sorry. I just can't see you very well.
Welch:Yes, sir... Is there a problem with giving me your name?
ME:Glenn. Glenn Cooper.
Welch:I know I've seen you some place before. What's your name again?
ME:Well, as a matter of fact, yes. I'm running for the State Senate.
Welch:Were you ever on TV?
ME:Well, you know. When you're in politics, you don't want to get mixed up with these things.
Welch:Right I saw you do an interview on PBS. Why were you so afraid to give me your name?
ME:No, no, no. My wife and I arrived late. We didn't even hear the gunshots.
Welch:Yes, but you weren't involved with this. Unless you witnessed the accident. Did you?
ME:Hmmm?
Welch:... What gunshots?
ME:I suppose the gunshots that were fired when they chased the stolen car?
Welch:I said, what gunshots?
ME:She's my wife, Cassie.
Welch:Nobody heard them, I suppose. (To ME.) Who's the woman sitting outside in the BMW?
ME:Oh, yes. I must have rubbed against Len... when we were dancing.
Welch:Is that blood on your shirt, Glenn?
ME:It was an accident. She dropped the electric cigarette lighter in the car on the leather seat, and I grabbed her jacket to pull her out of the car.
Cassie:I'm not pressing any charges. My lawyer will handle this.
ME:My wife was hanging up the car phone in the dark and my head was a little too low.
Welch:And how'd you get that nasty blow on your nose?
ME:Okay, just wait, will you? Wait a second. Wait. Okay? Can you wait? Just wait... Ernie! Ken! I mean Len. I think it's time to call Charley and ask him to come down, don't you?
Welch:Don't mess with me now. I'm so close to a promotion, I can smell it. And I'm not going to screw it up with this case... Do I start counting or do I start climbing up steps? It's up to you.
ME:The truth is, Officer, we were trying to protect Mr. Brock because he's a dear friend of ours. But we know we're all in jeopardy if we hold back the truth. There were two gunshots here tonight. I, personally, did not hear them, but I share equal blame with those who did hear the shots and did not come forth with that information... despite the fact that I didn't hear them.
Ernie:He thinks he went temporarily blind. Just put some cold water on your eyes and come down. There are two police officers who want to speak to you... Why?... BECAUSE YOU PUT OUT ONE FINGER, THAT'S WHY?? He's fine. He's coming own.
ME:Nevertheless, Mr. Brock is willing to tell us the full and complete story, the details of which none of us has heard yet. About the missing help, about the disappearance of his wife, Myra, and about the two gunshots, which I didn't hear.
Ken:Stop helping so much, Glenn.
ME:Hello, Charley.
Chris:Oh, who gives a shit?
ME:Where—where in the whole wide world did you find the guts to tell a story like that?
Welch: I buy it. I buy the whole thing. You know why I buy it? I buy it because I liked it! I didn't believe it, but I liked it! I love my wife, too, and that's why I want to get home early... Sorry to bother you, folks. Take care of that ear, Mr. Brock, and happy anniversary
ME:I'll buy you a thousand crystals, angel.
Cassie:Can we go back later and look for my crystal, honey?